Tug of War
The battle in my mind....
I want to do wrong but good is always present . You don't understand the conviction and anointing I'm facing. See as bad as I desire certain things and as rewarding as they seem in the moment, I just can't seem to forget about how much I will lose if I am not disciplined. I'm aware that not too many people know what this feels like but let me attempt to paint my words metaphorically so you can get a glimpse of my reality. In psychological terminology, picture your father having reinforcement for listening to his commands and with each correct movement he is anxiously anticipating opening his hands to deliver what's already ordained for you. However refusal to use the correct prompt or pull the correct lever may result in getting shocked and eventually having to start back over.
See I am aware that God is a forgiving God but I am not willing to continue restarting for my conscious decisions. I know I make mistakes but I don't want to intentionally make one and then complain about my correction or punishment. See my conviction is that equivalent to disappointing my father and mother and embarrassing them on national television because I have walked nude during a Super Bowl game with everyone watching. Not only am I embarrassed to show my face in public but how ever can I face them again?
How many genuine apologies can you have without correcting the very act that you committed to have to apologize? Hmmmm wouldn't that be in vain. I promise I get tempted ! Often . And it's not easy for me to pass up things until I am reminded of how much God has done for me and the guilt I'm not willing to experience if I can control it . I know there are things I can do to prevent earthly disappointment from others but if I could be quite honest I don't care if people get mad at me . I apologize for provoking or entertaining but I refuse to apologize for what's instilled in me and miss out on my blessing reinforcements and favor. For THAT I refuse to apologize. The battle in my mind is way too powerful. Envision your mind racing all day everyday . Interrupting your sleep and causing you to lose focus on something staring you in your face. Things become a blur . Moving so fast that you're confused about what you were thinking about before you had the tag team of thoughts that led you to the random thoughts of walrus', Pinocchio, or dead grass. It's tough. And although I can't complain about my calling and conviction, sometimes I do find myself wondering why I got saved so early in life. I know I know... I was saved from a lot of heartache by grace and mercy but can I be human for a moment ? Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I hadn't had the pressure of walking this fine, straight line that feels like I'm tiptoeing on thread. Yes, those words precisely. Too much of a lean to the left or right makes me feel like I'm misleading God's people.
So often I often wonder how people can curse, have sexual encounters, club, drugs , chase money by any means etc. with no form of guilt or feelings of unworthiness to be in God's presence. Feeling so completely empty that you have no words to even speak to Him because you don't deserve to hear a word from Him. Even if it is His voice saying "You are forgiven, forgive yourself". I acknowledge I am on the journey on the road less traveled and even though I experience much more gravel than that of people I witness, I trust that He will get me to my destination safely and it will be all worth it. Sometimes I get discouraged and even get mad at God because I don't feel him near. Then I seek his face and realize that was His way of talking to me without words. You know how we do when we have an inside joke or are thinking the same thoughts. Would you believe that one of the most consistent thoughts in my mind besides "I just want to be great" is " I don't want to be this way" whether it be good traits or bad. Why wouldn't I want to be this way? I was molded imperfectly by a perfect all knowing God. This is my life. If I were perfect I wouldn't need him. But you know me.. Ms. Perfectionist that doesn't like correction... I say rude blunt things that I mean and realize they are wrong or do illogical things like forgive people who have committed wrong doing against me and I am not satisfied with either side of the spectrum. See I'm an extremist. Either hot or cold. No luke warm. With that said I struggle with my flesh and my calling..
Sensai
#battle #good #evil #anointed #extremist #chosen #discouraged #purpose #temptation #blog
I want to do wrong but good is always present . You don't understand the conviction and anointing I'm facing. See as bad as I desire certain things and as rewarding as they seem in the moment, I just can't seem to forget about how much I will lose if I am not disciplined. I'm aware that not too many people know what this feels like but let me attempt to paint my words metaphorically so you can get a glimpse of my reality. In psychological terminology, picture your father having reinforcement for listening to his commands and with each correct movement he is anxiously anticipating opening his hands to deliver what's already ordained for you. However refusal to use the correct prompt or pull the correct lever may result in getting shocked and eventually having to start back over.
See I am aware that God is a forgiving God but I am not willing to continue restarting for my conscious decisions. I know I make mistakes but I don't want to intentionally make one and then complain about my correction or punishment. See my conviction is that equivalent to disappointing my father and mother and embarrassing them on national television because I have walked nude during a Super Bowl game with everyone watching. Not only am I embarrassed to show my face in public but how ever can I face them again?
How many genuine apologies can you have without correcting the very act that you committed to have to apologize? Hmmmm wouldn't that be in vain. I promise I get tempted ! Often . And it's not easy for me to pass up things until I am reminded of how much God has done for me and the guilt I'm not willing to experience if I can control it . I know there are things I can do to prevent earthly disappointment from others but if I could be quite honest I don't care if people get mad at me . I apologize for provoking or entertaining but I refuse to apologize for what's instilled in me and miss out on my blessing reinforcements and favor. For THAT I refuse to apologize. The battle in my mind is way too powerful. Envision your mind racing all day everyday . Interrupting your sleep and causing you to lose focus on something staring you in your face. Things become a blur . Moving so fast that you're confused about what you were thinking about before you had the tag team of thoughts that led you to the random thoughts of walrus', Pinocchio, or dead grass. It's tough. And although I can't complain about my calling and conviction, sometimes I do find myself wondering why I got saved so early in life. I know I know... I was saved from a lot of heartache by grace and mercy but can I be human for a moment ? Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I hadn't had the pressure of walking this fine, straight line that feels like I'm tiptoeing on thread. Yes, those words precisely. Too much of a lean to the left or right makes me feel like I'm misleading God's people.
So often I often wonder how people can curse, have sexual encounters, club, drugs , chase money by any means etc. with no form of guilt or feelings of unworthiness to be in God's presence. Feeling so completely empty that you have no words to even speak to Him because you don't deserve to hear a word from Him. Even if it is His voice saying "You are forgiven, forgive yourself". I acknowledge I am on the journey on the road less traveled and even though I experience much more gravel than that of people I witness, I trust that He will get me to my destination safely and it will be all worth it. Sometimes I get discouraged and even get mad at God because I don't feel him near. Then I seek his face and realize that was His way of talking to me without words. You know how we do when we have an inside joke or are thinking the same thoughts. Would you believe that one of the most consistent thoughts in my mind besides "I just want to be great" is " I don't want to be this way" whether it be good traits or bad. Why wouldn't I want to be this way? I was molded imperfectly by a perfect all knowing God. This is my life. If I were perfect I wouldn't need him. But you know me.. Ms. Perfectionist that doesn't like correction... I say rude blunt things that I mean and realize they are wrong or do illogical things like forgive people who have committed wrong doing against me and I am not satisfied with either side of the spectrum. See I'm an extremist. Either hot or cold. No luke warm. With that said I struggle with my flesh and my calling..
See... but on this road, I still managed heartache and pain... So I often wonder what would be so different without this pressure of walking upright. There I go thinking too much again... I know it's biblical that wanting to do right and evil is always present... And true I struggle with that too but most of the time, I am dealing with it's reciprocal. Good and evil are playing tug of war in my mind consistently each day! But I understand life is about choices. Except in this life, I didn't choose it.. HE chose me! And for that I will endure and embrace everything he has in store.
Sensai
#battle #good #evil #anointed #extremist #chosen #discouraged #purpose #temptation #blog
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